Last night, my playmate, sub, lover, and third person in my polyamorous relationship told me that I lacked confidence. Wasn’t his exact words, but that’s pretty much what he said. He was having trouble expressing himself, which is unusual for he is usually sooo articulate, but I got the general gist of his words.

We were in the middle of a scene; he was affixed by his wrists and ankles to the bed with his cock and balls tied up (very amateurish-ly by me) and wired to a TENS unit. You know, if I’d been him, I would’ve thought twice before being so blunt to my DOMME while hooked up to potentially lethal toys!

He went on to say later that I wasn’t very experimental; that basically, I lacked the confidence to be an effective Domme. He worded it very diplomatically, but that’s what he said.

I finished the scene and ensured he wasn’t suffering from subdrop before leaving the bedroom and going outside for a cigarette. I felt pissed! Angry, shitty…but why? I’d asked him playfully during the scene, if he wanted a harder, tougher Domme…a bitch. Because I know I’m not. I know I’m too caring, protective, loving. While I’m learning (both with and from him) I know I’m in essence a “Service Domme” who is willingly and lovingly (because I love this guy) delivering all the services that he wants and needs.

*sighs*. Back to the drawing board, I guess.

I am living a relationship with Brett as his woman in everything but name. Sexually, passionately, emotionally, and even financially. He is my sub, Top, lover, provider, chauffeur, cleaner, cook, counsellor and resident wise man – for 3-4 days per week. Then I go home to Tom, where I am his cleaner, cook, masseuse, cuddle bunny, employee (when I work in the business) and general dogsbody. It’s discombobulating, and there is a decided mental and emotional shift when I leave one man to go to the other.

In addition – how do I explain this relationship to others? To most, I’ve been honest, and told interested people that I’m in an open relationship, and I have two partners. To some, Brett is a dear friend, but I don’t elaborate.

Tom has had to adjust very quickly. For 12 years, he had my undivided attention. It also seemed as if he held the power in our relationship. When things were bad, it was him that threatened to walk and leave me. But now, he is unsure of where he stands. He is home by himself for half of the week. He is watching me dress and pack for dates and weekends away with another man.

Even if he threatened to leave me, I won’t stop. The bond between Brett and I is too strong. I am falling in love and lust with this beautiful man who understands me, who doesn’t flinch when I tell him of the horror of my childhood. Who takes my beatings with grace and beauty. Who doms me with such gentle love. Who cares for me as if I’m the most precious and rare artefact. He sees deep into my soul, and loves me regardless.

Life has just gotten infinitely more complex, rewarding, and interesting.

Added to the general surrealness of it all is that Brett is taking me out on dates – to dinner, to the movies. I know I shouldn’t compare, but Tom never goes to things like that with me. He can’t sit still in a cinema for too long, and when we do go out, it’s to the same restaurant/s all of the time. Lack of funds meant we never got further than the Hong Kong restaurant for the $12.00 meal. Brett, on the other hand, loves to take me to restaurants to eat, and money is no object. He listens to me, and doesn’t lecture me. He romances me…so very different from my Tom. Of course, they are two different people. Tom gives me unconditional love, and though he’s not a rich man, he’s rich with affection, and we’ve seen each other at our worst and best, and he always, always will love me, I know this.

But Brett – he’s new, and shiny, and loves to spoil me, and buys me everything…which I am not comfortable with. I often give him money if I feel he is taking over and spending too much money on me. And Brett – he is interesting, intelligent (which is a hot button for me!) cultured, well-travelled; I mean, we can talk for hours about politics, and world events, and kink – subjects that I could never talk to Tom about, because all Tom is focused on is the business.

So, as I was saying…adding to the general sense of dislocation is that Brett has been wooing me. As we’d drive along in his zippy red sporty car, he’d lay a pale, thin hand on my thigh, and it’d make me go crazy! It’s a combination of sexual frustration, and the freedom of knowing I am in the company of a kinky, very sexual man. This guy…physically, I’d never look twice at him. He has a beard, and I’ve never liked bearded guys. He wears bi-focals – he looks like my dad, ffs! But, he has such an independant and free spirit…he’s so free with his sexuality, so ready to share with me, and teach me what he knows!

I needed someone who is willing to go on a journey with me, who is discreet, gentle, infinitely patient, sub, adventurous – and he is all of this, and more. I’m having such fun with him, and I know that more is just around the corner!

I couldn’t win a tip-toe race against a one-legged epileptic with vertigo!

Honestly…why I let myself get sucked in by online romances and ridiculous online D/s relationships is a mystery to me! I’m a supposedly intelligent woman, but it seems all of my sense flies straight out the window when a good-looking boy flashes a cute smile in my direction. *rolls eyes.

The long and short of my fabulous online romance with Mr Italian Stud is that it’s over! A thread was posted on Fetlife about his conduct on the site, and in Second Life. He was spamming people on Fetlife about the legal group he owns and mods online, and one Domme in particular had a real bug up her ass about him. She friended me on FL, and then resurrected and began a vendetta against him so I could see the whole shit-storm go down on my update list. I felt duty-bound to go onto the thread and defend him, as I would any whom belonged to me. I warned him not to post in the thread, as his English is not very good, also he is quite gormless, and even clueless. Do you think he’d listen? Noooo, he disobeyed his Dom (me!) and embarrassed me in front of the whole community by posting his unintelligible nonsense, which made me look bad. Ughs. I was furious at him, so I demoted him out of my collar shortly after the incident. One thing I won’t stand for is to be flagrantly disobeyed by mine if I give a clear order.

There’s quite a bit I’m leaving out, but that’s basically how the ball started rolling towards the eventual demise of our D/s relationship.

There were lots of warning signs about this guy that I ignored because I wanted him. No.1 – an ex-slave of his begging me to tell him to leave her alone as he continued to text and call her, even though it was over between them. No.2 – Femdommes from The Femdom Network in SL contacting me to muzzle and control him as he was sending strange and weird messages to these women. No.3 – The vendetta Eva Eames had against him – whatever he did, he is high on her shit list, and he hates her, too. But like the idiot I can be at times, I explained it all away, though at the back of my mind was a lingering sense of disquiet.

Note to self: “Don’t be a fucking hornbag idiot!” After the Fetlife incident, I was still willing to work things out. I examined our relationship from every angle, and I came up with the idea to send him a Mistress/sub contract, clearly setting some expectations. I told him to look through it, to amend the clauses he didn’t agree with, and we could negotiate the rest. He never sent it back, I doubt he even looked at it, and in addition, he accepted the collar of another Domme on SL while telling me he “loved” and “missed” me. Ok, whatever man, but this Domme will not be played with, ever!

It was sad for about 5 minutes, because I had made some clear plans to meet him. We have corresponded for several months. I really felt connected to him, hence why I wanted to meet him in real, to see if it is truly real! Guess it ain’t. I’ve sworn to myself that was the last time I ever engage in any online bullshit. I’m over those disasters, and from now on, it’s real life all the way! I’m not wasting any more of my time on SL or online crap! The only real relationship I had was with Brad, and he’s long gone, now. While it lasted, it was real, so very real that everything we experienced in that virtual world are implanted in my mind as real-life memories.

He is still messaging, texting, and even phoning me weeks later. Huh, wonder if his new Mistress knows, or what story he’s telling her about me.

C’est La Vie – when one door closes, another opens. During this drama, I’d met a lovely new Switch guy whom I’ve begun to play with, and explore with. The relationship has moved very quickly – maybe too quickly. He’s twenty years older than I, very kinky, experienced, and very patient and gentle with me. Though he’s much older than anyone I’ve ever contemplated seeing…I’m really enjoying his company. He treats me like an absolute Queen, after years of sexual and sometimes emotional neglect from my primary partner…it’s like finding an oasis in the middle of a desert. This man indulges me, and his manners are impeccable! When he looks at me, it’s like he’s staring at the most delicious cupcake in a shop filled with mouth-watering treats!

Tom has met him, and likes him. Frankly, it wouldn’t matter if he didn’t…I feel so selfish and narcissistic lately. I’ve been so focused on Tom and the business etc, etc for so many years, now I just want to do stuff for me! I’m so ready for the next phase in my life. I’m not getting any younger, and I want to experience everything I’ve only ever fantasised about.

Brett (that’s his name) is the perfect plaything and companion. So intelligent, gentlemanly, articulate, and in reasonably good shape for his years. I’m impressed with him, and we’ve been having such good times together! I’m enjoying exploring poly-amory and bdsm with him. His kink tastes push the boundaries further than mine, but that’s ok. I have an open mind, and I’d like to explore these things with him. He’s so very patient with me, I know I’m going to learn a lot.

I woke up aroused, and instantly my thoughts flew across the oceans dividing us to my Italian boy. I wondered what he was doing at that exact moment. Was he safe, had he eaten, was he laughing with his girl, or reading news? Or was he tucked up in bed, fast asleep? I jumped online, but he is not around…and it sucks that I miss him so bad. I love to see him first thing when I awake, and last thing before I sleep.

Terrible! I’ve got it bad! If this doesn’t work out, I’ll be gutted!

But…who dares, wins. And I fully intend to win.

I said them today to my boy, sylian, for the first time. He has told me he loves me practically from the start of our relationship. I’ve cautioned him never to say things to me that he doesn’t mean…when we sign off at the end of a chat, he always tells me ‘love you’ which I never responded to. I couldn’t, because I don’t want to fall in love online. I don’t!

And yet every day, he endears himself to me with his pidgin English, his kindness, his care for me, his submissiveness, his love. He has a strong social conscience, which I admire greatly, and in his professional field, he is a powerhouse, and yet he still remembers his roots, and avails others of his time, experience and knowledge. The poor and the downtrodden matter to him, and he tries to help.

The more I discover about him, the more I greatly desire to be the One who is his domme forever, for the rest of his life. He makes me feel important, special, loved, spiritual, and woman to the very core of me. When I look at him on cam, I am fascinated, entranced, with every little movement he makes. I want to stroke his curls, pull them, even. Run my nails lightly over his naked body, spank his tight little ass, make him tremble with lust and arousal, make him cry out with pain and pleasure…I want him to look at me as if I’m his world, the center of his world. I want all he can give, and more, besides. When I look at him on cam, my juices flow, my love flows…my heart overflows.

He showed me his little girl, live on cam. She is beautiful…so cute and adorable. I could picture myself loving the both of them…but then I pull my mind away from such thoughts. They are dangerous thoughts! I have a life here in NZ, and I’m on the brink of fulfilling some long-desired goals. A beautiful boy from Italy with curly black hair and a devastating smile, and a little blonde angel with huge blue eyes does not feature into my goals! But…there is a part of me that has always longed for children, and a man such as him to complete me.

I feel as if he is my soul mate. I know, this is silly as we’ve not met in real life, yet, but …I feel the connection across the vast distance, and he does, too.

Tommy and I went to a concert last night. I longed for sylian to be sitting next to me, I fantasised about reaching over, unzipping his fly, and manipulating him into a massive orgasm, right there in the theatre! (Not Tommy, sylian). Later, I broached the subject of a poly-amorous relationship to Tom – the discussion deteriorated from there. I arrived home in floods of tears, drunk, horny, and finally accepting that I can no longer look to Tommy to be my mate for the rest of my life.

If anything, we are friends. We haven’t been intimate for years, and when he kisses me, I feel nothing but sisterly love. God, that’s pathetic. But we are on the brink of building our kink business, and so I must endure. Tommy loves me, but not in the way I yearn to be loved, and I love Tommy, but as a brother and best friend.

Is that enough? I don’t think so. When sylian and I meet for the first time, I will know then, and worry then, about how to fit him into my life. If it’s real, and it endures, then I will definitely make room for that man, and his child, in my life and heart.

There is something about this boy that makes him so different from the others. It’s not that he is handsome, at least, I think he is. And it’s not that he has achieved much in his life, and he is comfortable financially, and professionally established – all of which I am intensely proud of. Nor is it his intellect, which rivals mine.

It’s his heart. And his devotion to me. In the short weeks he has been mine, we have cammed together nearly every day, and night. I’ve found myself missing him…thinking about him constantly, with a silly grin on my face.

His devotion and dedication to me has far outstripped the other subs I have had. Yes, they were lovely men, but one would be conflicted by his submissiveness. Another would be limited by his very busy real life, family, job, as it should be. Another would want just the kink without the responsibilities.

I’ve had to stop myself from melting into a puddle of goo when he says the most romantic and loving statements. I am afraid of becoming so enamoured of him that I lose my control, and my desire to dominate him thoroughly and completely.

I am not a naive, fall in love with someone the first time type of girl. It takes time, commitment, shared experiences, and did I mention time?

Not that I’m saying I am in love with this sub, but I feel as if I’m becoming emotionally involved. It’s crazy to feel like that with someone you know only online.

But…ughs..I’ve done this before. With Brad. I adored and loved him so much, now we rarely speak. After I wanted to play with others, he dropped me like a hot potato. This, after four years online. Well. to be honest, he did hang on in there, but the feeling had gone. He’s a one woman man, and he needed a one man woman, and that wasn’t me.

I miss him, but only occasionally. What does this say about me? I loved that man with all my heart at one point.

And that’s why I don’t like online rships, they are so superficial, at times. So fickle, so doomed to failure.

“How about having sex with a cat?” asked the zoophile.

“Let’s have sex with the cat and then torture it,” says the sadist.

“Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it,” shouted the murderer.

“Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again,” said the necrophiliac.

“Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it,” said the pyromaniac.

Silence took over…

and the masochist says: “Meow.”

I confess that I spend far too much time on this site, poking about in people’s profiles, looking at their pics, joining in discussions. I saw a kink cruise offered in Florida – oh, how I wish I could go! It’s just too far away from New Zealand, and my budget doesn’t extend to cruises in America, but it sounds absolutely amazing! Imagine 7 days and nights of unadulterated, pure pleasure, I’d be like a cat rolling about in catnip! It sure is something to think about for the future.

I’ve met some interesting, way out there people. One, a Master with his own dungeon and two female slaves, im’d me one day. He asked me a few ice-breaking questions, and then proceeded to tell me he’s a Switch, and subs for the right domme. I told him that I’m strong on theory, but the practical application leaves much to be desired lol. He’s interested in taking me on as an apprentice, of sorts. However, one or two things he’s said about the women in his life just don’t appeal to me. For instance, I complimented him on his choice of subs to play with…he also has a Femdom he scenes with. I took a peek at their profiles, and they are very attractive women. Well, he was very dismissive about them, calling them his ‘playthings’ and by his tone, I got the feeling that he didn’t care much for them. This is very sad – when a woman, or man, gives their submission freely, to me it’s a great gift, an honor. I have no problem with slaves/subs being referred to as ‘playthings’ but surely he must care for them also? Otherwise, what’s the point? I know, I know, you can have sexual liasions and not have your heart invovled, and some people prefer this type of interaction, but not I. Every single sub I’ve collared, I’ve cared for, and I did my best to meet their needs (while meeting my own, of course). Also, he wanted to jump right into it, he invited me away for a weekend at a kink homestay up north, which is very generous of him, but we’ve barely just met! At least he was honest, he’s looking for his life partner, but I wondered right through our conversation whether he’d actually read my profile? My profile clearly states that I’m in a loving, committed relationship with someone, but that we have an open relationship. Despite this, he pressed me again for a real life meeting (which I don’t even consider till I’ve established a firm connection, first). Our conversation ended abruptly on his side when he im’d me again, pressing for me to go away with him. Well, for the next couple of months, the restaurant is fully booked (we are doing quite well despite the recession) and I just can’t get away. Not only that – I haven’t met the dude yet! Steady on there, tiger! He’s stopped iming me, and I’m a little disappointed, as I’m eager to find someone to mentor me real life.

This is one of the many pitfalls of meeting online. Sometimes, you can just smell the desperation coming off some people. And that’s just not me. Maybe I could learn a lot from this guy, but why can’t folk allow a relationship to develop naturally, over time? I definitely would meet him if we clicked, but he’s just too impatient to get me up north and do god knows what to me (or me to him).

Another person im’d me, a Trans from SL. Her im’s seemed rather sweet as she explained to me who she is…I told her I’ve left SL, but I wouldn’t mind keeping in contact with her. I do love cross-dressers/TG’s and TS girls. I’ve grown up with them, and I have many friends who identify as X-dressers, TG’s etc. I fired off my usual chatty, interesting (from my perspective, anyway) message, keeping it real and friendly, but also letting her see flashes of the person that I am. I wasn’t being overwhelming, desperate, needy, or dominant – just friendly and funny. Well, I’ve not heard from her again lol! I don’t understand people on the net – I thought I was quite well-versed on net etiquette, but obviously I’m not. I seem to be driving them away in droves!

My new group on Fetlife that I’ve formed for Kiwi Femdommes is a real challenge. We have about 25 members so far, and it’s quite a mission to get people to join in discussions. I’m fresh out of inspiration…I don’t want to discuss the same topics talked about elsewhere…but inevitably, you do! There’s an interesting mix of new dommes, experienced dommes, pro-dommes, and lifestylers in the group, plus the usual mix of subs/slaves that gravitate towards Dominant women. I started the group off with a bang, but only two or three people will respond to my posts…where’s the rest? I decided to stop being a mother, and allow the group to grow naturally, and let people start off discussions if they want to.

Still haven’t found that elusive sub who wants to learn and grow with me, though. Oh well, when he is ready to find me, he will come.

It’s been a very long time since I updated this blog, and I have so much to write about!

Comfy?  Right, here we go…

My dear friend from the states left SL.  I’ve written about him at the start of this blog, and our virtual relationship was the reason I stayed in SL so long.  We fell in love and lust long distance, but the thing about long distance is that it’s largely an unfulfilled fantasy.  I think that’s one of the main reasons long distance relationships last so long, simply because you haven’t satisfied those cravings for sex, emotional closeness, physical contact, and many other needs so necessary for holistic well-being and happiness. If you met and fucked, hell, it’d be over by the time you orgasm! Roflmao!

He’s a one-woman man, and in SL, I am not monogamous.  In real life, I am not.  I knew from the moment I expressed the desire to collar a sub, and to play with other avies, that our relationship was pretty much doomed.  Things changed; as he became more abrupt and impatient with me, I grew more distant.  I still love him, and I tried to express the fact that no matter who I met in SL, he would always come first.  I don’t think he got me – my polyamorous nature in SL.  I don’t think he could accept that part of my nature.  Gradually, he drifted away, until he told me he was leaving SL.  He’d talked to his wife, she was unhappy with his presence in SL (which is fair enough), and he left.  My desire to play with others only made it easier for him to leave (he didn’t tell me this, I surmised it).

I hung around for a few months in SL after he left.  I trained two slaves – both were guild officers from the game ‘Guild Wars’, but it didn’t end up well.  One, a female, left SL soon after she told the other slave she didn’t want to be invovled in a romantic relationship with him (they were both invovled in a virtual romance).  The other, a male, I grew to have feelings for.  But he ended up going to Gor and changing his status from sub to Dominant.  He’s now happily invovled in Gor, and on the verge of being Free-Companioned.   Now, we barely speak, but he keeps my secrets.  He is loyal that way.

During this period, I met a lovely male sub who identifies as a woman in his private life.  He is married, but his wife is not interested in domming him.  We really clicked, and I loved his humor, his intelligence.  I introduced him to SL because in SL, he can have the freedom to truly express his feminine nature.  I moved house, and lost my internet for a month due to the incompetence of my new net provider.  During this time, my lovely new pet simply up and disappeared!  I saw him this morning for the first time in months on yahoo.  We spoke, he apologised, and begged for my collar again. He admitted he got scared, because he really wanted to meet me in real life.  Well, hell, that’s not a reason to simply disappear on your Domme.  Instead of running and hiding, which I knew very well he was doing…he should’ve expressed his fears, and I would’ve calmed him, helped him face those fears together.  Well, I’m wary of accepting him back – for me, especially with the journey I’m on now, online domming just doesn’t do it for me anymore.  I’m still considering his petition, but I’m still up in the air on that one.

I accepted the collar of an old friend, a former Gorean Master, whom I talk about in one of my posts. We had a wonderful time, but he begged for release to attend to his family, which of course I had no problem with. He is a good friend, and will always remain so.

Around this time, I realised that online Domination and submission is simply not doing ‘It’ for me anymore. I no longer wish to exist in a fantasy, twilight world of virtual experience. I no longer want to pour my heart and soul into SL relationships, only to be disappointed. SL was great for exploring my deep-seated urges – but I want and need something deeper, more intense – more real! I just want more, and I’m entitled to it! SL lost its lustre for me after the failure of my most significant online relationship, with Brian, and then the ones that followed after. These failures prompted me to leave SL. So I let my rental go, parked my avies in a friend’s backyard, and have moved on.

Into the scary real life world. And when I go into something, I plunge headfirst into it! My whole life focus has changed, and this is how it started.

One night, my partner, Tommy, said to me: “If you could have a business, what type of business would it be?” You see, he’s been rather frustrated with my reluctance to invovle myself whole-heartedly with our restaurant. I worked in hospo for many years in various roles, then I left for my current straight job in Tourism. I was just sooo over Hospo. So, when he made the decision to buy the restaurant with my two friends, I was happy for him, but I didn’t see it as being ‘our’ dream, more ‘his’. I’ve helped with admin, and jumped in when there were staff shortages, but I’ve never felt the feelings of ownership and pride that he wanted me to feel.

The question he asked me unleashed an outpouring of frustrated desires, and for once, real honest-to-goodness truth. Straight away, I replied that I’d always wanted to open an adult entertainment club, a kink club, catering to kinky fun people from all over the country. Tommy more than listened – he was completely supportive, to the extent that he is devoting himself to this very goal. He is over the restaurant industry too, now, and wants to sell up. We are hanging in there for the next two years, and then we’ll flick the restaurant off…to begin again on our shared vision.

The conversation encouraged me to be completely honest and frank with him, the way I should’ve been right from the very beginning. Tommy has always hated SL with a passion, because it took so much of my attention away from him. I can be a very secretive little bitch, and when he asked me to share with him what I was doing in SL, I always put him off by saying “Just shopping, hon,” or “Just dancing, babe” – for fuck’s sakes! I was cheating on him emotionally and psychologically, it was as simple as that!

That conversation proved to be a milestone in our relationship. I ‘fessed up, and told him EVERYTHING! I was afraid of his reaction, because…a few years ago, he got so sick of SL, he smashed up my computer in a drunken rage. He never touched me, but he sure as hell dealt to my computer LOL! I was afraid, not because I feared that he’d harm me…I was afraid because I didn’t want to lose him. Tommy represents all that is bright, loving, and happy in my life. He brought fun and laughter to my rather bleak heart, and no matter who comes along, or what happens in my life, I want Tommy to be there always.

We discussed our sexuality, more specifically, mine (it’s always about me, you know!). I felt completely free; as if a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I admitted to him my deep and abiding interest in bdsm, how I’d used SL as a learning, educational tool to explore bdsm, what I did with my online subs, how I define myself as a Switch, mostly dom, but sub to the right, rare man. We discussed being open – in terms of sexual and play partners – in our relationship, we reaffirmed our love for each other, we spoke about the plans we have for our future, for our club.

See what I mean by the conversation being a ‘milestone’? It’s been a complete turning point in our lives together. Finally! We can be free with one another as never before. Finally, we have a shared vision, a shared goal – and finally, I no longer have to hide what I do, what I desire. I am exploring with his full approval and support. I could sing my joy to the heavens, and I often do!

Heh, our interests and desires syncing up in this unusual and wonderful way has meant that I have a valid excuse to undertake ‘research’ in the bdsm community in New Zealand. In real life, I’m a reserved, controlled, and observant person, not prone to pushing myself forward, preferring my own company to that of others. But, this research period means I must position myself accordingly, get out there and delve into situations, be open to meeting people whom I can learn from, and connect in a meaningful way. In Easter next year I am booked to go to my first ever kink and bdsm conference, I’ve been attending local events such as the Fetish Ball, and I’m very busy on Fetlife networking and connecting with other kinky Kiwis. I’ve formed a Kiwi femdomme group which is slowly building a membership throughout NZ, and am very blessed to be making some lovely new friends.

I truly feel I am coming into my own, as a woman, a Switch, a Femdomme, a partner of a lovely, sweet man, and as a unique individual.