*jumps back in!*
It’s been a very long time since I updated this blog, and I have so much to write about!
Comfy? Right, here we go…
My dear friend from the states left SL. I’ve written about him at the start of this blog, and our virtual relationship was the reason I stayed in SL so long. We fell in love and lust long distance, but the thing about long distance is that it’s largely an unfulfilled fantasy. I think that’s one of the main reasons long distance relationships last so long, simply because you haven’t satisfied those cravings for sex, emotional closeness, physical contact, and many other needs so necessary for holistic well-being and happiness. If you met and fucked, hell, it’d be over by the time you orgasm! Roflmao!
He’s a one-woman man, and in SL, I am not monogamous. In real life, I am not. I knew from the moment I expressed the desire to collar a sub, and to play with other avies, that our relationship was pretty much doomed. Things changed; as he became more abrupt and impatient with me, I grew more distant. I still love him, and I tried to express the fact that no matter who I met in SL, he would always come first. I don’t think he got me – my polyamorous nature in SL. I don’t think he could accept that part of my nature. Gradually, he drifted away, until he told me he was leaving SL. He’d talked to his wife, she was unhappy with his presence in SL (which is fair enough), and he left. My desire to play with others only made it easier for him to leave (he didn’t tell me this, I surmised it).
I hung around for a few months in SL after he left. I trained two slaves – both were guild officers from the game ‘Guild Wars’, but it didn’t end up well. One, a female, left SL soon after she told the other slave she didn’t want to be invovled in a romantic relationship with him (they were both invovled in a virtual romance). The other, a male, I grew to have feelings for. But he ended up going to Gor and changing his status from sub to Dominant. He’s now happily invovled in Gor, and on the verge of being Free-Companioned. Now, we barely speak, but he keeps my secrets. He is loyal that way.
During this period, I met a lovely male sub who identifies as a woman in his private life. He is married, but his wife is not interested in domming him. We really clicked, and I loved his humor, his intelligence. I introduced him to SL because in SL, he can have the freedom to truly express his feminine nature. I moved house, and lost my internet for a month due to the incompetence of my new net provider. During this time, my lovely new pet simply up and disappeared! I saw him this morning for the first time in months on yahoo. We spoke, he apologised, and begged for my collar again. He admitted he got scared, because he really wanted to meet me in real life. Well, hell, that’s not a reason to simply disappear on your Domme. Instead of running and hiding, which I knew very well he was doing…he should’ve expressed his fears, and I would’ve calmed him, helped him face those fears together. Well, I’m wary of accepting him back – for me, especially with the journey I’m on now, online domming just doesn’t do it for me anymore. I’m still considering his petition, but I’m still up in the air on that one.
I accepted the collar of an old friend, a former Gorean Master, whom I talk about in one of my posts. We had a wonderful time, but he begged for release to attend to his family, which of course I had no problem with. He is a good friend, and will always remain so.
Around this time, I realised that online Domination and submission is simply not doing ‘It’ for me anymore. I no longer wish to exist in a fantasy, twilight world of virtual experience. I no longer want to pour my heart and soul into SL relationships, only to be disappointed. SL was great for exploring my deep-seated urges – but I want and need something deeper, more intense – more real! I just want more, and I’m entitled to it! SL lost its lustre for me after the failure of my most significant online relationship, with Brian, and then the ones that followed after. These failures prompted me to leave SL. So I let my rental go, parked my avies in a friend’s backyard, and have moved on.
Into the scary real life world. And when I go into something, I plunge headfirst into it! My whole life focus has changed, and this is how it started.
One night, my partner, Tommy, said to me: “If you could have a business, what type of business would it be?” You see, he’s been rather frustrated with my reluctance to invovle myself whole-heartedly with our restaurant. I worked in hospo for many years in various roles, then I left for my current straight job in Tourism. I was just sooo over Hospo. So, when he made the decision to buy the restaurant with my two friends, I was happy for him, but I didn’t see it as being ‘our’ dream, more ‘his’. I’ve helped with admin, and jumped in when there were staff shortages, but I’ve never felt the feelings of ownership and pride that he wanted me to feel.
The question he asked me unleashed an outpouring of frustrated desires, and for once, real honest-to-goodness truth. Straight away, I replied that I’d always wanted to open an adult entertainment club, a kink club, catering to kinky fun people from all over the country. Tommy more than listened – he was completely supportive, to the extent that he is devoting himself to this very goal. He is over the restaurant industry too, now, and wants to sell up. We are hanging in there for the next two years, and then we’ll flick the restaurant off…to begin again on our shared vision.
The conversation encouraged me to be completely honest and frank with him, the way I should’ve been right from the very beginning. Tommy has always hated SL with a passion, because it took so much of my attention away from him. I can be a very secretive little bitch, and when he asked me to share with him what I was doing in SL, I always put him off by saying “Just shopping, hon,” or “Just dancing, babe” – for fuck’s sakes! I was cheating on him emotionally and psychologically, it was as simple as that!
That conversation proved to be a milestone in our relationship. I ‘fessed up, and told him EVERYTHING! I was afraid of his reaction, because…a few years ago, he got so sick of SL, he smashed up my computer in a drunken rage. He never touched me, but he sure as hell dealt to my computer LOL! I was afraid, not because I feared that he’d harm me…I was afraid because I didn’t want to lose him. Tommy represents all that is bright, loving, and happy in my life. He brought fun and laughter to my rather bleak heart, and no matter who comes along, or what happens in my life, I want Tommy to be there always.
We discussed our sexuality, more specifically, mine (it’s always about me, you know!). I felt completely free; as if a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I admitted to him my deep and abiding interest in bdsm, how I’d used SL as a learning, educational tool to explore bdsm, what I did with my online subs, how I define myself as a Switch, mostly dom, but sub to the right, rare man. We discussed being open – in terms of sexual and play partners – in our relationship, we reaffirmed our love for each other, we spoke about the plans we have for our future, for our club.
See what I mean by the conversation being a ‘milestone’? It’s been a complete turning point in our lives together. Finally! We can be free with one another as never before. Finally, we have a shared vision, a shared goal – and finally, I no longer have to hide what I do, what I desire. I am exploring with his full approval and support. I could sing my joy to the heavens, and I often do!
Heh, our interests and desires syncing up in this unusual and wonderful way has meant that I have a valid excuse to undertake ‘research’ in the bdsm community in New Zealand. In real life, I’m a reserved, controlled, and observant person, not prone to pushing myself forward, preferring my own company to that of others. But, this research period means I must position myself accordingly, get out there and delve into situations, be open to meeting people whom I can learn from, and connect in a meaningful way. In Easter next year I am booked to go to my first ever kink and bdsm conference, I’ve been attending local events such as the Fetish Ball, and I’m very busy on Fetlife networking and connecting with other kinky Kiwis. I’ve formed a Kiwi femdomme group which is slowly building a membership throughout NZ, and am very blessed to be making some lovely new friends.
I truly feel I am coming into my own, as a woman, a Switch, a Femdomme, a partner of a lovely, sweet man, and as a unique individual.